For the last 20 years we have been together and finally I have come in terms with the fact that there is a lot about you that is unfamiliar. And while this seems to me as a major identity crisis, I thought what better way than to confront you once and for all. This may be the only letter that I have ever written to you but you know deep inside that all my letters are your reflection.It is not very comforting to being unknown to you. Everyday seems to be a day at mine field and while I try to unearth the traps I seldom do fall in one. And as it ticks off, I realize that something about us just doesn’t seem right. I feel that I have betrayed you. Honesty is not a great virtue of mine when it comes to us. I have hidden truths, incomplete truths, truths that I scapegoat under layers of excuses, truth that I don’t wanna tell, truth about you that I myself do not know. And I know that you know this too. But of all people, I know you the best.
When I am alone, at my vulnerable best, I am completely yours. Untouched. Unfiltered. But does that mean that, that is who I am. Is it your company that brings out my truest self? Or do I fake it with you too? I am confused. You are good at this. Whenever I ask you something, a straight answer is the last thing I expect. It’s all murmurs, riddles, sentences with strange demand for search. And while I do get answers, I never know if it was the right one and though you know the right one, you make me believe that whatever I have chosen, whatever I have made out of your riddles is indeed the true one. Till the time I get to know that I had been led astray into something unwanted it’s too late. You make me feel miserable and desperate at such times. I curse you, but since we are inseparable there is nothing I can do either to reprimand you. In the end we both suffer. It takes time, but you refurnish the hope in me, recreate memories with positive filters, stack up the bitter ones as experiences and put out your brave foot down to recreate me. You are the change in me and although it was you who put me through all these, it is you who make me get back to normal, even better most of the times.
For sometime now, somehow I have felt that you are unhappy with me. Deep inside I get these vibes that are creating ripples in my existence and it is difficult to comprehend why. I have tried it all. Involving myself in things that you love, things that make you happy. But you have stayed discontent. Cross with some fault of mine. I have made a lot of futile attempts, so I ask directly to you now and while I won’t expect an answer, your riddles will be good enough to bring something out of the whole mess you have put me in. Are you dying young? Are you distressed with your suppression infront of the people whom I love? Are you sad because people rarely get to see you? Does my perfection annoy your flawed behavior? Do you find me more detached than I used to be? Or are you worried about the time we spend together, because even though we are together all day long, we hardly seem to talk!
I recognize these, but there is very little that can be done about it. I am sorry for it all, if at all these are bothering you. But there is so much to catch up on with the world, the desire to expand my skill set, the work pressure, the attempt to keep everyone pleased. I try to fit in the ways of world, to gain social acceptability, on demanding likes and praises on trivial things on social media, and in all these where do I have time to cater to your needs? How do I make you feel free? There is time and still there is none. And while it is eating me up as much it is destroying you and sooner and later I do realize that this realization will seep in, I fear it will be too late. You are the source of change in me and unless I ask you, talk to you about myself, how can I expect it to happen.
I hope you understand where I stand. Let’s try to bond over at a cup of coffee. Maybe we can have a book reading session together. Or we can jam together. What say, just you and me in our alone time in this fast paced world try to slow time down for a while.