I love her. Three simple words of realization. But can I actually define love. Isn’t it as good as saying I don’t hate her. I think not. I keep tossing corners as I know I have to break the news to her. How, is still a question I am contemplating. Has it to be a big romantic gesture with flowers and gifts, or will it suffice to just spell out what she means to me! But if love is, what I think it to be then simplicity is my best companion.
As I walk towards her home, I have a brilliant smile on my face and my heart is pacing to the tune of the fresh morning breeze. Do I fear rejection? To be honest, I do. Will I stop loving her? No. Love is beyond one’s control. If we had the liberty to fall in love and come out of it at will, I don’t know how much worse the world could get than it already is. How much do I love her? Enough to let her go. Enough to disappear and to be discovered. Enough to see the world fade and still hope.
While my mind bombards my heart with questions, I am amazed by one single fact. I do have all answers, afterall. Of what love means, of what it is and what it isn’t. It has manifested it’s aura in my soul. Love is indeed an wonderful energy! It is the fighting ground of emotions. It is where envy, jealousy, anger and hatred find their breeding space. But it is only when we rise above this mediocrity, that we discover its untainted form. They often use the word True Love. I consider the adjective to be redundant. If it is anything other than true, than love it is not. Honesty is not built into it, it is the very foundation on which it stands.
I am now standing infront of her home. I climb the stairs. I am nervous but happy. I ring the door bell. After a while, she opens the door. She stands there, beautiful as always and even more. I kiss her cheeks and enter the room. She smiles. I can feel her. I can see it in her eyes.
We jump over topics and issues. Suddenly I am all weak. I try to garner in myself the strength for this seemingly impossible task. Exactly at the time when I am about to say, she says that she wants to tell me something extremely important. I don’t know what it is. Suddenly her face is all changed. There is intensity in her eyes. That smile suddenly lost. I feel a bit uncomfortable. It is as if I am going to confront something that I don’t think I am ready for. She hesitates. I look her in the eye. She is reassured. She takes a deep breath and says, “I have been diagnosed with Cancer. So here it is, this is my end.”. Almost as a reflex I get down on my knee and say, “I love you. Will you marry me? This can be our start.”
Let me keep her reply ambiguous. It was not about some success or failure. It was not about me or her. It was about the play of time. But time doesn’t bind love. In what little time we can gather, a million special moments can be treasured. What will life be beyond it, is something I am unaware of. And I don’t really want to find about it now. In the aftermath, one does forsee only pain. For life cannot be caged in memories till eternity. But however hard we try not to, with each changing page on the face of the calendar we do move on. Love remains. Its presence changes. It is relived. In places, words and stories. But it remains.
Will I fall in love again? If I do, will it mean I didn’t love her. If I do, will it mean that time had tested it’s strength and I had failed. At this time I do not have the answers but time does. And in its mischief, my answers will get manifested.